If your loved one’s addiction has left you feeling frustrated, angry and at a loss, you certainly aren’t alone. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration shares, “Family members may experience feelings of abandonment, anxiety, fear, anger, concern, embarrassment, or guilt; they may wish to ignore or cut ties with the person abusing substances.”1

So do you react with these emotions? It’s easy and tempting to do so. You want your loved one to stop using drugs or alcohol. You hope that letting them know how much you hurt, that hurting in turn, might change their minds about drug use. However, addiction isn’t a choice. It has already left your loved one feeling isolated and awful. And this has only pushed them to use drugs more, which has only led to you feeling worse too. But if tough love adds to the problem, what are more positive ways to address it?

Although negative feelings surrounding addiction are normal, they aren’t mandatory. You can get help and tend to your emotions, getting stronger at the same time your loved one is getting help to do the same. This will help you approach your loved one, the addiction and the entire situation differently.
You can choose professional recovery resources that have the same holistic goals. If everyone is feeling hurt, isolated and alone, why would you want treatment that adds to these emotions? Addiction isn’t a lost cause. When your health and patience feel like they’re at their end, it’s actually a time for hope. It’s a time for opportunity. It’s time for real love, not tough love.

If tough love isn’t the answer, what is? It turns out it just might be compassion. Psychology Today explains, “Compassion is the most powerful tool you can have when it comes to healing addictions of any kind. In other words, what your loved one needs the most from you is compassion.”2

So what is compassion? It isn’t enabling and letting things slide or go ignored. It begins with understanding substance abuse and addiction. It continues with seeing the person and the suffering behind addiction. It requires hearing what she has to say and providing a safe space for her to express feelings and emotions. It involves offering comfort, care and love. And most importantly? It involves finding treatment that does the same.

We understand addiction now better than ever. We know it isn’t a moral failing or personal weakness. We know it’s a disease, and we know it can be treated. As Medsurg Nursing explains, “Replacing negative attitudes with evidence-based interventions to treat persons with addiction is key in helping them achieve the highest level of health possible.”3 Families can heal, and individuals can find hope and health. Long-term recovery is more than possible, and it’s possible through professional care.

Tough love isn’t the answer to any medical or mental health issue. Effective treatment centers around compassionate therapy. And one of the most effective therapy methods is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This form of therapy is all about changing automatic, negative thoughts and reactions into positive, considered ones. It returns choice to people struggling with addiction. It validates who they are and what they experience.
CBT and other positive methods of addiction treatment provide internal motivation and real-world skills. They offer tools and teaching so people can build strength and confidence. Addiction recovery involves moving forward and upward in life. It involves finding hope for the future and the ability to create that future.

The idea of compassionate, understanding addiction treatment may be great, but how do you get started? If your loved one is trapped in addiction, she may not want to go to treatment. Although treatment has to be kind, this doesn’t mean it has to be voluntary. The National Institute on Drug Abuse explains that one principle of treatment is that, “Treatment does not need to be voluntary to be effective. Sanctions or enticements from family, employment settings, and/or the criminal justice system can significantly increase treatment entry, retention rates and the ultimate success of drug treatment interventions.”4 Kindness and caring don’t mean just sitting by and watching.

If needed, creating boundaries and ultimatums that push someone toward treatment are a good thing. These things aren’t tough love. They are actions that are first carefully considered and guided by a professional therapist or interventionist.

Helping a loved one find recovery involves letting the person know you see her struggle, you see her and you want her to choose something better. And if your loved one really won’t go to treatment? You can still do the kindest thing possible and get help for yourself. The more you know, the more prepared you are, the kinder you are to yourself, the better you’ll be able to help now and when your loved one comes to you for support in the future.

Interventions usually aren’t the dramatic tough love events you might see on TV. An effective intervention is a compassionate conversation with a loved one. This conversation may be a one-time event with friends or family present, or it may be a series of guided talks. No matter the form an intervention takes, it is all about reaching out to a loved one and expressing love and concern.

FACT:

This misconception may have begun with the very first definition of this disorder. In 1910, Swiss psychiatrist Paul Eugen Bleuler first identified and named this disorder. He decided to derive the term from Greek words: ‘schizo’ (meaning split) and ‘phren’ (meaning mind). His original intent was not to describe a dual personality, but to describe the split between a person’s feelings and thoughts.3

The issue of split personality is actually seen in a different disorder known as dissociative identity disorder. It is a condition that has come under recent scrutiny, and is not tied to schizophrenia in any known way.4 When people begin to show symptoms of schizophrenia, they do not become another personality. They are still the same person they always have been who just happens to have schizophrenic symptoms.

FACT:

Despite movie and television portrayals, schizophrenia is a treatable and manageable condition. It does, however, require constant treatment. Most people manage schizophrenia through a combination of medications and psychotherapy. Newer generations of medications offer less side effects and greater effectiveness, and new medications are constantly being developed. With proper treatment and awareness, people with this disorder are able to go to work, live in their own homes and have friends and associates.5

New research has shown that some medical diseases may mimic schizophrenia symptoms. For instance, immune diseases, such as some types of encephalitis, may share some symptoms with schizophrenia. It is important for any family that is concerned about a loved one to seek a full medical evaluation in order to find the best treatments possible.6

FACT:

Most people with schizophrenia are not dangerous. Violent behavior among people who struggle with schizophrenia has varying origins. If left untreated, they may be more likely to harm others in an attempt to protect themselves from perceived dangers.

New studies show that other, compounding disorders are most likely behind some violent behavior. For instance, conditions such as childhood antisocial behavior disorder may correlate with violent behavior amount people who are diagnosed with schizophrenia. So, certain co-occurring conditions may be a cause behind any increased violence and not schizophrenia itself.7

Sadly, this stigma particularly contributes to the isolation and hopelessness that many people with chronic mental health conditions experience. This misconception lowers self-esteem, increases stress and may increase symptoms due to stress and diminished quality of life quality.

FACT:

Schizophrenia is a complex condition that can create a number of behaviors that are not always obvious. Schizophrenia symptoms include hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not there and could not realistically be there) and delusions (beliefs that could possibly be true but are not).

However, other symptoms must be present for a schizophrenia diagnosis to be given. “Positive” symptoms include behaviors that are outside of normal experience, such as agitated movements, thought problems and the previously mentioned hallucinations and delusions. “Negative” symptoms include emotions and behaviors that are blunted or temporarily missing during active states of schizophrenia. These negative symptoms may include reduced expression of emotions, flat affect and reduced speaking or movement. Further, active, untreated schizophrenia also includes cognitive symptoms, including difficulty paying attention, retaining information or making decisions.

Grieving is a very normal, healthy process. However, sometimes it can manifest in some unhealthy ways, and it’s important to be able to identify them.

Maybe you’re tired of seeing all the other sad faces. Maybe you’re tired of all of the pity, or the offers of sympathy. Maybe you just plain don’t want to be around people because it hurts too much.

Sometimes you might notice your patience is thinner when it comes to dealing with things. Or you might even notice you become downright aggressive over the smallest things.

There’s just so much to do, and not enough at the same time. It’s normal to want to keep busy, because if you’re on the go, then you’re thinking about everything except the thing that’s hurting you most at the moment.

Whether you find yourself binging or without any desire to eat at all, a change in your normal eating habits is a big sign you’re working through a grieving process.

It seems irrational, and it is, but when death has affected you and it’s at the forefront of your mind, sometimes you start unintentionally looking for it everywhere. Because one person that mattered to you has died, you start worrying about all of the other important people in your life.

Some nights, you can’t seem to sleep no matter what. Or maybe it seems like all you do anymore is sleep. Either end of the spectrum is unhealthy, and is not only a manifestation of grief, but also depression.

Everything is too bright, too loud, too much. It might feel like you just can’t handle everything going on around you, and that the world is moving on too fast without you.

On the other hand, you might have trouble feeling anything at all. Food doesn’t quite taste right, or may seem flavorless. Feelings might seem muted or even absent, and sensations can seem far away. You’re a part of the world, but at a distance.

During grieving, your brain is trying to process and accept a huge change in your life. It should come as no surprise, then, that grief can manifest in this less than pleasant form of dreaming.

Now that you know some of the ways that grief can manifest, here are some ways to deal with it.

You are not alone. No matter what, never, ever forget this. Even if it seems this way, there is always someone that can help you. Whether it’s another family member, a friend, a significant other, or a trained professional, there are people in your life that will be more than willing to help you.
Do not isolate yourself. It’s easy to do, and while it’s okay to take some time to process things, don’t cut yourself off from the people that care about you. Get help.

Find things that you enjoy doing that will help take your mind off of things when it feels like everything is just getting to be too much. Some hobbies also have the added benefit of helping you keep social.

Some examples include:

• Writing
• Knitting
• Reading
• Cooking
• Learn a musical instrument
• Hiking
• Book clubs
• Sports
• Board games
• Online gaming

No matter what you decide, make sure it’s something that you enjoy, and that makes you happy.

Everyone is different. Some people take more time than others. Grieving is not a linear path — one day it may seem like you’re over everything, only to have a breakdown the next. Do not let anyone tell you to move on when you aren’t ready, but also don’t let anyone hold you back when you feel the time is right. You decide this.

The biggest thing to keep in mind is there are no rules when it comes to grieving. However, you do need to remember that while it might hurt more than anything that someone is gone, you are still here, and you have to be able to live your life without them. Recognizing grief, accepting it for what it is and then coping will help you do that.

Omni Care Hospice is a provider of compassionate, quality home hospice care in Las Vegas that meets the needs of people with life-limiting illnesses and their families.